11 procent of the Dutch population (16 years or older) has indicated that they have been a victim of sexual assault (source: CBR). That’s 1.6 million people. An alarmingly high number, the majority of which are women. Despite it happening not as much as to women, men also experience sexual assault. In addition to the general taboo surrounding sexual assault, men who have experienced sexual assault also feel shame about their ‘masculinity’. This is also the case with Bas*. For a long time he was silent about what had happened to him; for 15 years. He didn’t tell anyone until he decided to seek help in the fall of 2020. Now he’s opening up about his story.

Trigger warning: this article contains stories about sexual assault

My relationship

I’m more of a skinny type and have never really been a macho man. I work out, but have never focussed on working out to become more muscular. My girlfriend was really fit. She was a personal trainer and practiced martial arts, so she was a lot stronger than I was.

I have never been bothered by her being physically stronger than me. We even joked about it: “If something happens, you’ll be the one to defend me!”. We had a good relationship. One time, after a few glasses of wine, she pushed me against the cupboard during an argument. But, we talked about it and everything was fine after that . However, in the Spring of 2005 things were different. After we got into a fight at a party, I decided to go home by myself. When the bell rang some time later, my girlfriend was at the door. Things got out of hand and she eventually raped me. Shortly after, she left my house and ended the relationship via text message.

I didn’t even know this could happen to me

Rape… I didn’t even know a woman could rape a man. That was something I struggled with for a long time. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, afraid they would laugh at me. So, I kept my mouth shut. It’s true that sexual assault happens to women a lot more often than it does to men, but it probably happens more often than you think, because a lot of men don’t talk about it. My ex used to send me text messages, laughing at or insulting me. I was scared that she would come back, but I didn’t have the guts to go to the police. They probably wouldn’t believe me anyway, I’d be laughed at. I had extremely low self-esteem, I thought I was the problem and I decided that I had to put myself and my feelings aside. I threw myself into work and did so for years on end.

The confidence to talk

At work I developed a good friendship with a coworker. It was easy to talk to her and she shared a lot of her personal problems with me. She was a mentally strong person, which inspired me but also made me feel safe. We had a strong bond, so strong that after all those years I felt confident enough to share my story with her. Finally, I lifted some of the weight of my shoulders that I had been carrying by myself for all those years.

My story shocked her, but also the fact that I had been dealing with it by myself for such a long time. She advised me to look for professional help. I decided that I had been fighting this battle by myself for long enough. I have tried to fix it, but this was the time to search for help and so I did.

Eventually, Bas ended up at NiceDay, where he received treatment from NiceDay psychologist Maaike. 

Help from NiceDay

Maaike ended up being my assigned psychologist for an online treatment. Being treated online was not something that surprised me; we were in a pandemic and the whole world had moved on digitally. At first I had trouble talking about all the details, but Maaike quickly put me at ease; she asked the right questions and created an environment where I could be myself.

Using the app

During my treatment I regularly used the NiceDay app. Of course for my video calling sessions with Maaike, but also for using the diary or registering my feelings each day. Although it was sometimes difficult to write down my feelings, I was happy to be able to see progress. When I noticed the registrations became more positive over a longer period of time, I could see that I was making progress.

Don’t wait to get help

I’m glad I sought help and received treatment from NiceDay. I’m not there yet, but for anyone who struggles with mental health problems or has dealt with sexual assault, my advice is: don’t wait 15 years to seek help, don’t bottle up your feelings. If you think you are on your own, know that you are not and seek professional help. Bottling up or hiding your feelings won’t work. The feeling will remain dormant, it will not stop. It is not your fault and you should not be ashamed to seek help.

Help via NiceDay

Are you looking for professional help for your psychological complaints and would you like to talk to someone? You can follow an online treatment via NiceDay at various organizations, click here for more information.

*Bas’ real name hasn’t been used in this article, but is known to the editors.

My name is Iris, I am 30 years old and I have moved back into my parents home. For three and a half years I was in a relationship with someone who showed the behaviour of a (covert) narcissist. Everyday I dealt with possessiveness, paranoia, jealousy, manipulation and situations in which I felt unsafe. It was a difficult time in my life, which wasn’t easy to get out of. After I did end my relationship, I felt disbalanced and got in touch with a NiceDay professional, to share and process my experiences.

It all seemed so wonderful

Our relationship started out great; we met each other in the gym, started talking and after a few times he asked me out on a date. Our first date was wonderful and we soon fell in love with each other. He paid a lot of attention to me and, like me, was looking for a serious relationship. This really appealed to me and, due to circumstances, we quickly moved in together.

After a while I started to notice that our happy place was changing. It started with little things that showed that he had a hard time trusting. I didn’t look much into that; after all he had some bad experiences and we had only known each other for a short time. Maybe he needed some time to build that trust, and I assumed all would be fine. After all, I am very reliable, loving and serious. Surely that should also become clear to him?

Jealousy

Time passed, but his trust issues only got worse. He got more and more jealous and didn’t want me to be friends with men, for example; he was convinced that this was not going to end well. Whenever I wanted to talk to him about this, he pretended I was missing things and was just being naive. That really confused me; my gut told me it was wrong, but it was very difficult to refute his arguments. I am not easily jealous or suspicious and I have never cheated on anyone. Still, he made me question my loyalty.

For the first time in my life I felt afraid

Anxious

As his jealousy and lack of trust grew, his reactions became unpredictable and intense; he was even violent in some of his excesses. For the first time in my life I felt afraid. He increasingly asked me to prove that I was trustworthy, for example by asking for pictures of an empty passenger seat, when I drove back from work. He also checked my phone, looking for signs that I was being unfaithful. When I would speak to him about this, he would always regret his actions and promise that this would not happen again. Everything would get better.

I tried to get out

I have attempted to get out of this relationship a number of times. It always failed in the end; we had a fairly expensive house together and my family lived too far from my work. I wouldn’t be able to stay with them, if I had to leave home. The threshold to take the plunge felt too big. Plus, he always begged me to take him back, until I was so tired that I finally gave in. I loved him and also wanted him to heal and learn to deal with things in a healthy way, so that we could be happy together.

It’s now or never

At one point I got him to go to relationship counseling with me, so that we could work on our relationship and his trust issues. He agreed to this; he wanted to do anything to save our relationship. I felt hopeful; maybe things would work out this time. But, unfortunately I was disappointed again. This time, I decided to gather evidence for myself of promises that had not been kept and responses that went too far. I started reading about narcissism to better understand what was happening, and came up with a plan for when I would end the relationship.

Eventually I had made the decision. I doubted until the last moment, but it didn’t feel like we would be able to solve this together. I had all the evidence I gathered to make the good decision. Plus, we were assigned an affordable home, and as a result we were no longer stuck with our overpriced house. It was now or never.

Be kind to myself

When it was over and I finally got the space to experience and feel my emotions, I found myself feeling out of balance. You have been on an emotional roller coaster for such a long time. When you finally have time to get out, only then you realize what happened to you. I had lost my relationship and my house, but also myself.

I thought I could work it out by myself, but I needed a helping hand in my recovery. So I decided to do something nice for myself; something I had not done for a long time, since my life was dominated by my ex. I felt the need to discuss the most intense experiences with a professional, so that I could work on processing them. In addition, I had to accept that I had become a victim. Beforehand, I never thought that this could happen to me, but it did.

I had to accept that I had become a victim

Writing helps

NiceDay helped me to cope with my intense experiences and feelings. The unique combination of the conversations, chats and diary and feeling registrations helped me to progress with my recovery. I used the registrations almost every day through the app. When you write, you process your feelings. You try to describe exactly what you feel, which creates peace and helps you to objectively look at your own situation.

Not only did writing my feelings down help at that moment, but it was also very good to look back on. This gives you a lot of insight into your own process. For example, when I felt good one day, but didn’t feel good for the following three days. I could see in my registrations what I did that made me feel better that day. For example, did I visit family or did I look for distraction? I also really liked that your practitioner reads along. This way she could respond to my registrations right away, which allows you to focus on the process during the conversations, instead of the incidents.

Don’t hesitate to seek help

Are you in the same or similar situation as I am, or do you need help for another reason? Then don’t hesitate to seek help! What I would like to share with you from my own experience is:

  • Take care of yourself and accept help. If there aren’t people around who can help you, there are many other places online where people share stories and experiences. Talking about it with a coach or therapist can also help you process your experiences.
  • You may feel weak because of everything that has happened, but you have a strength inside of you that you can speak to.
  • Give yourself permission to put yourself first.
  • Write, especially if you can’t get a grip of feelings. It helps to understand your feelings and the situation. If you are still in this situation, writing can also help you regain confidence in your own feelings and memories.
  • Go through your feelings. This is difficult, but it’s also the only way to really leave everything behind you and to get your strength back.
  • Go outside every day, keep eating and drinking healthy and get plenty of rest. If things are not going well, make sure you also set your boundaries in the workplace.

Are you in need of help, and would you like to know more about help via NiceDay? Click here for more information.

Hi, my name is Bibi *. I am 23 years old, study medicine and I am gay. The fact that I like girls is a bit sensitive in my family; my parents are very religious. That, combined with a bit of culture, makes them not open to the fact that I am gay. It is a very difficult situation and I found myself needing help to deal with this. I received online help during my coming out, and this is my story.

Sorrow

For 4 years already, my mother has known that I like girls. I have a very close relationship with my mother; we talk about everything. I know my parents love me very much and I love them too. They don’t mean bad, but their beliefs make them genuinely afraid that I will go to hell if I get in a relationship with a woman. That makes them anxious and sad, which left my mother crying on my bed for weeks. It was so difficult to see my mother like this. So I decided to give it one more chance and go on a date with a guy.

I am gay

That date ended in a relationship. In the end I caught myself liking him too; he was a sweet boy. But I think I mainly liked him because we looked picture perfect together. I kept it up for 1.5 years, until I could no longer fool myself. I fell madly in love with a girl and decided to come out to both my parents, again. My parents had a hard time dealing with it, but my sister, who was my rock and was always there for me, supported me in the beginning. Unfortunately, she eventually changed her mind. I was sad and felt very alone. I have felt bad before, but I always knew how to deal with those feelings or how to put them away. Now they were unavoidable and I knew I had to do something; I had to talk to someone.

Anonymous but personal

I started looking online for help, for someone who could listen to my story. There were a number of helplines, but those didn’t feel right. One day, I came across NiceDay and soon felt a slight relief; I had been searching for so long and the anonymity of the NiceDay treatment really appealed to me. I downloaded the app and sent an instant message to the NiceDay Team. Here I quickly received a response in which they asked me how I was doing and what I would like help with. As a result of that information, I was linked to a psychologist. This felt so personal; the only doubt I might still have was immediately taken away.

Remote treatment

I was not sure what to expect from an online treatment; how well would it really help through video calling? It may be 5 sessions with the same person, but how personal can online be? I noticed that the treatment being online doesn’t matter at all! I really liked the fact that there is a balance between being treated anonymously and regular personal contact.

Relationship with practitioner

I was linked to NiceDay psychologist Maaike and we clicked. I thought it was very clever of her that she could highlight different perspectives so well, even though my parents come from a different culture than her. She was able to explain to me where their concerns and actions came from, which helped me a lot. I also really liked that when I said something related to 3 sessions ago, Maaike still recalled that and could respond well with the right advice!

Contact in between sessions

The treatment via NiceDay was very accessible and my practitioner Maaike told me that I could always send her a message, so that I could talk about what I was dealing with. I was able to process these feelings through a registration or a note in the app, or by just sending her a chat message. I really liked that; when you write down your thoughts and worries you already kind of process them, but the fact that someone is also looking at and responding to these thoughts felt very reassuring. So, I also benefited a lot from the registrations and mood tracker. This made me take the time to reflect on how I really felt; whether this was happy or sad.

The right tools

Via NiceDay I was able to tell my story by having regular sessions with my practitioner, but also by processing my thoughts and feelings in the NiceDay app. When I now end up in risky situations, I immediately notice that I hear Maaike’s voice in my head reminding me of all the tools she has given me. I would 100% recommend NiceDay to everyone, and I have already!

Bibi received online help through the NiceDay app. Would you like to get in touch with a professional? Click here for more information about online help via NiceDay.

*Bibi’s real name is known to the editors.

Sifra (25) had graduated from university and was just starting her new job. Her job was fun, her new colleagues were nice and she did her job well. Still, Sifra noticed that she wasn’t feeling well. By her employer, she was given the opportunity to do a PMO study, which included both physical and mental tests. It turned out that she suffered from anxiety and nervousness, something that was very recognizable to her. She was advised by her coach to look in to help from NiceDay, for a treatment in the safety of your own home. She did, and here you can read her experience story.

Constant nerves

“I have always been sensitive to gloomy feelings and insecurity. From the age of 15 I regularly have the feeling that I do not belong, or I experience feelings of sadness. During my studies I wasn’t as prominent, but this changed when I started working. I felt so much tension in my body and was constantly bothered by nervous feelings. My neck and shoulders started to hurt, but I didn’t know where this was coming from. Despite having a great time at work, I felt restless. I dreaded everything, even my korfball matches; a sport that I love to do for 15 years! ”

Accessible help

“I knew it would be good to talk to someone, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I have sought help before in the past, but I hadn’t had a good experience with this. The step to go back to the doctor, put my heart on the table and admit that you need help, felt too big. I thought it was stupid and thought that my complaints were not severe enough. Until, after my PMO investigation, I was referred to NiceDay. On the website I saw that there is an opportunity for online help, which felt a lot more accessible. So I signed up. ”

Safe environment

“The help through NiceDay gave me the opportunity to talk to someone from my own safe environment, and I didn’t have to tell my story to a doctor. It felt safer, more comfortable and less nervewrecking. I quickly came into contact with the NiceDay Team and was linked to psychologist Sarah. ”

Sessions over the phone

“I chose to do all sessions over the phone, because it felt the most comfortable to me. It is very nice that you can choose how you conduct the sessions; be it video calling, calling or chatting. When someone looks at me when I tell my story, I get nervous and blurt things out. I get the feeling that they are waiting for an answer and don’t really think about the things I say. I liked having a conversation over the phone a lot better. The online treatment felt safe; I didn’t have to go anywhere and could stay at home. ”

NiceDay Community

“I had a good relationship with Sarah. She often sent me relevant blog articles from the NiceDay Community, which I really liked. She then advised me to read the article, see what I think about it and check whether it is recognizable to me. Sometimes the article was terribly recognizable, other times it was less. But I got a lot of new insights from reading all of them. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me, but reading articles in which I recognized myself, helped me identify my issues and cleared up where they came from. ”

Tools

“I’m doing a lot better. I have fewer physical complaints because I now know how to relax my body. In addition, the conversations with Sarah, the useful tips and articles have given me the tools to better deal with my anxiety. Sometimes I still have some nerves before I go to korfball, but Sarah has taught me that despite the nerves I just have to go! That is the way to fight my fears. I used to go to korfball class, but I did it for my team. Now I do it for myself. ”

NiceDay

“The NiceDay treatment really helped me a lot and I would definitely recommend it! I think a lot of people walk around with psychological complaints, without doing anything about it. Treatment via NiceDay is accessible, easy to use, flexible and for everyone. ”

Sifra received online help through the NiceDay app. Would you like to know more about online help via NiceDay? Click here for more information.

If we look at the current world, technology is almost indispensable. We manage our affairs with the help of internet banking. We order our food via an app. We can monitor our steps with our telephone. All in all, technology has given our life a new dimension. Now we can also get effective coaching and therapy online!

The online relationship

One of the most important factors for successful treatment is the therapeutic relationship between client and therapist. A good connection with your therapist gives a safe and familiar feeling. With a good therapeutic relationship there is a better understanding between the client and therapist, leading to clear goals and tasks

Research has shown that it is also possible to build a good therapeutic relationship online, and sometimes is even better than with therapy in the doctor’s office. I also have experienced this in my daily sessions with my clients online. A good therapeutic relationship is also possible during online treatment, such as NiceDay.

What are the benefits of online therapy?

  1. You are in control

With NiceDay you are directly involved in your own therapeutic process: by writing in your journal about how you feel, what happened or what went well, you gain more insight into your own process. You can also take matters into your own hands and send a chat message to your practitioner when needed.

  1. Flexibility

 With online therapy you are not location dependent. This means that sessions can take place in the comfort and familiarity of your own home. Or even in the evening, in accordance with your practitioner. This also means you can often get direct help in the moments you are struggling, or just before or after a difficult conversation with that one person. 

  1. Accessible and fast

Thanks to the online approach of NiceDay you can look for help in an accessible way and have quick and easy contact with your practitioner. You are always just a click away from help!

  1. Your practitioner focuses more on your individual needs

With NiceDay it is possible to register feelings, thoughts and actions in the app. Instead of “how was your week?” your practitioner will have a better overview of how you are doing. The practitioner gets a good picture of your good and bad moments and can respond immediately. With a chat message between sessions you stay in contact with each other and your practitioner is more beside you than in front of you.

Maybe you have been receiving online therapy for a while now, maybe you just started, or maybe you are a therapist yourself.  In any case, it is useful to know more about the importance of the therapeutic relationship. In this blog I explain why a therapeutic relationship is important, also in an online environment such as NiceDay. I also give you tips and tricks for your sessions.

What is the therapeutic relationship?

Suro (2019) describes the therapeutic relationship as a kind of bond between the practitioner and the client. You and your practitioner have the same goal: to initiate a change within you that will make you feel better and that will make you feel better. Within this therapeutic relationship it is important that there is a judgment-free atmosphere, in which you feel comfortable opening up to your therapist without feeling embarrassed.

Two more important elements in the therapeutic relationship are communication and cooperation. You as a client work on your communication skills within therapy. The basis of the therapy is cooperation, or better: team work.

Finally, at the end of a treatment, a chapter is closed. You and your practitioner share  what the relationship has brought you and what your practitioner learned from it.

The therapeutic relationship is important

According to researchers Lambert (1992) and Duncan (2002), the therapeutic relationship counts for as much as 30% of the positive effects of a treatment! How the therapeutic relationship has enabled clients to achieve their goals in cognitive behavioral therapy, for example, is described in detail in an article by Easterbrook & Meehan (2017). If you are not yet convinced of the importance of the therapeutic relationship, then definitely read the article.

Research shows: the therapeutic relationship during online treatment is high

OK, so the therapeutic relationship is important. Hopefully you are convinced of that by now. But how is the the therapeutic relationship in online treatments? I can imagine that you have thought about it, especially when you start online therapy. Do you feel connected to someone from a computer screen?

Again scientific research provides an answer. After this I stop with the scientific references, promised. But it is equally important to mention what Pihlaja and colleagues (2018) have found about online treatment and cognitive behavioral therapy:

  1. The therapeutic relationship within an online treatment is high and sometimes maybe even higher than with a face to face treatment.
  2. A good therapeutic relationship is related to a better outcome of the treatment, also online.
  3. Online therapy is an environment in which the client and the practitioner can discover a lot in a practical way with the client.

Sounds good right? I agree! But it must be said that researchers still have many unanswered questions and more research is needed.

Last but not least

The first results about research into the therapeutic relationship within an online treatment are positive! So there should be enough ground for you and your practitioner to build a positive relationship with each other.

Do you feel comfortable with your practitioner and do you feel you can open up? Don’t forget this. It can bring a positive change in yourself, also within an online treatment.

Good luck in the coming time. Always stay hopeful and … go for a positive future!

Sylvia had the feeling that she was asking too much of herself for a long time: she was doing too much at work and at home, in the relationship with her then husband. Last year Sylvia went to PsyQ and was offered an online treatment for her complaints. We asked her how that was.

Can you tell something about yourself?

“Yes, I am Sylvia, 54 years old, have two adult children and recently got divorced. I am working 4 days a week, I have a dog, I like walking and music!”

You have been treated at PsyQ and helped through NiceDay. What kind of complaints did you have?

“I was going through a difficult time. I was asking too much of myself and then dropped out with a burn-out and ended up at PsyQ with mainly depressive symptoms.”

What did you think when you first heard about online treatment?

“I was a bit disappointed because you don’t have eye to eye contact. And you are not physically together. But on the other hand it is also nice. I immediately thought: you don’t have to go anywhere and through video calling you can see each other anyway, in your own environment. Because of this I was interested after all. ”

And how do you feel about online treatment?

“I thought it was very personal! In a session your coach and online therapist is fully focussed on you. And if you are in need of personal contact between sessions, you can always chat with your online therapist. The moment something comes to mind you can share it with your own coach: by writing it in your diary or by sending a chat message. I didn’t need an answer right away, but you did write it down and just wait for the answer.”

Can you tell how the treatment went?

“In the beginning we had a video call session every week and I used the NiceDay app on a daily basis. I filled in my journal and kept track of my mood. Sometimes I also sent a chat message in between session. My online therapist responded quickly to my messages. And if I was in need for an extra session, it was easy to make an appointment. At a certain point I was doing better and as a result the session became shorter and less frequent sometimes . For example, once every two weeks. ”

You indicated that you have been treated before, what were the advantages and disadvantages of online treatment to you?

“An advantage was certainly that you don’t have to go to a specific location. Planning sessions to go to an office was previously difficult. When I was treated before, I lived in the Zaan region but I had to go to my psychologist in Amsterdam. Traveling also gave me extra stress, because you want to be on time and sometimes you are stuck in traffic. I cannot name any disadvantages of NiceDay, but my online therapist Béatrice also plays a major role in this. I really had a click with her. ”

Do you often think back to the things you learned during your treatment?

“Yes, I also have the NiceDay app on my phone and read back regularly. I go through everything I have done during the treatment (filling in G-schedules, drawing up the relapse prevention plan). You get a boost from that anyway. I can literally see that I was in a much worse condition before and this gives me courage, courage that everything will always be fine. ”

What is most important thing you have learned?

“Reflecting helps me to be positive and to keep going. Know that the good times are coming. Previously I would flee my “negative” feelings. I would plan something nice with girlfriends and go out for example. Now I am planning a rest day to feel everything that happens inside. I really achieved this through the help of Béatrice, because of her I can now think about it that way. ”

Would you recommend the online treatment with NiceDay to others?

“Certainly! Precisely because of the things I mentioned earlier: it is easy to reach your own online therapist and you get help when you really need it. Being able to send your coach a chat message when you are not doing fine is so wonderful. Whenever something is wrong, you can share it with your online therapist, let go of whatever you are thinking and feeling and your therapist will come back to it. With regular therapy you have to write it down or remember it so you can share it in the next session. By then you probably have already forgotten about it. Now I have taken steps into the right direction. More steps I have ever taken in comparison to other treatments!

Do you have a tip for someone who also wants to start an (online) treatment?

“You have to work hard, but you are doing it for yourself. Be motivated, you must want to invest. You cannot sit back and expect the other person (your therapist) to make you better. Invest in yourself, in the app and listen to your online therapist. You can do it!”