Mental health can be a confusing concept. What do we mean exactly by mental health? Therapy even more so, especially if you’re not sure what to expect! In this blog I try to describe mental health by comparing it to a journey or process, in hope to shed some light on what you can expect from therapy and dealing with mental health complaints.
Life’s challenges
Life is inherently difficult and has its highs and lows. We continually have to navigate our way through stress and fear, find balance between work and rest and maintain our relationships, all the time while finding space for ourselves and our happiness. A good example of this is how many of us have now been faced with the task of adapting to our new lives under a pandemic. Some would even suggest that, to some extent, hardship is an inevitable part of the human experience. Nonetheless, our ability to navigate these obstacles and hardships is often directly influenced by our mental health.
Dealing with challenges
Many people view mental health as a destination or a state of being, a place we can reach where our daily stressors and hardships no longer exist, where we no longer have anxieties, negative thoughts or emotions. A place where we are happy. But instead, it is not these thoughts, pain or anxiety that define our mental health; that is all part of being human. It is the way we manage these obstacles, thoughts and emotions that define our mental health. It is the way we adapt to our internal and external environment, without causing more hardship to ourselves or others. While in the meantime, being able to work toward our goals and values with satisfaction.
Unhealthy coping techniques
Too often as humans we tend to manage distress in unhealthy ways. We use coping techniques that provide short-term relief, but actually in the long term maintain or can even worsen our problems. Think about drinking alcohol to make you feel better, avoiding a certain place, person or activity that makes you anxious, or procrastinating when you know you have work to do. By accepting, tolerating and managing this short-term distress in a healthy way we can reduce our long-term suffering.
Mental health is an ongoing journey or process, something one continually has to work on, nurture and manage
There is no quick fix
Some may come to therapy hoping to receive a quick fix where their problems are resolved. But mental health is an ongoing process or journey, something one continually has to work on, nurture and manage. There is no quick fix! Part of this process is how we manage our daily stressors. Therapy won’t always be able to resolve all your problems, but it certainly will be able to help you to gain insight and provide you with the tools and skills to manage your own problems and distress in a healthy way.
Practice, patience and perseverance
Mental health can be compared to learning a sport or building up muscle. You can’t be expected to pick up a football for the first time and play as a professional, or start lifting weights for the first time and lift the heaviest weight. It takes practice, patience and perseverance. Over time you will develop your skills and fitness, and you’ll notice it will start to come more naturally to you. The same can be said for our mental health, it is an ongoing learning process, in which we gradually learn about ourselves and how we can best manage our own emotions and thoughts in a healthy way.
Mental health is a long and a bumpy journey that requires effort, practise and commitment. Nevertheless, I am sure the commitment will be worth the reward in the end. Don’t forget to look back at how far you have come already!
I wish you every success on your mental health journey!
Help via NiceDay
Do you need support on your mental health journey? Are you looking to gain some new insights or learn some new skills? You can follow treatment via NiceDay at multiple organisations, click here for more information.
Some people have always been content or happy with themselves, but many others have to learn to accept and love themselves. Social media is a wondrous invention, but it has also caused people to constantly compare themselves with others, whether it be consciously or unconsciously. Within a single look, you see that you can always be skinnier, better, or more successful… Being content with who you are, means that recognising that you’re fine just the way you are. You see and feel that you don’t have to pretend to be different and that you do not have to be perfect. Being content with yourself is really important. Why? I’ll explain that to you below.
An endless race against yourself
Maybe this is something you relate to; you set the bar incredibly high for yourself. Maybe you can always be slimmer, more successful, richer, and more talented than the person you are today. You could even be much better than everyone else. It can be quite dangerous to think like that because it is an endless race against yourself. If you can always be better, when will you be good enough?
Accepting yourself
To prevent you from ending up in an endless race against yourself, you can learn to accept yourself. Accepting that you are good exactly the way you are right now. What do you need to be able to accept yourself?
- Realise that you do not have to change. You don’t have to be different or better. At this moment, you are enough just the way you are. This doesn’t mean that accepting yourself means you no longer have to grow, or that you no longer have to develop yourself. The exact opposite happens: especially when you have accepted yourself, you open new doors to growth. You know your worth and know what you deserve. This increases the chance that you say ‘yes’ to challenges and makes you more likely to say ‘no’ to things that stand in the way of your growth!
- There is no such thing as perfection. What is perfection anyway? Nobody is perfect and the grass definitely isn’t greener on the other side. People often only show their highlights online, but everyone feels down or has a bad day from time to time. Perfection doesn’t exist and if it did, the world would be very boring.
- Embrace your imperfections! Don’t fight or try to hide them, but embrace and show them off. They aren’t even imperfections, they are the things that make you special. Everything that deviates from the norm, makes you special and unique.
What makes you special?
So…
What makes you special? What makes you proud of yourself? Write it down in the NiceDay app! Haven’t downloaded it yet? You can download it here.
People with a disability often experience discrimination. For example with finding a job, living independently, the accessibility of public buildings, or in college. But also in daily life, where they have to face prejudice from other people. To understand why a phenomenon like discrimination exists, we have to look beyond just the expression of it. The core of discrimination is retractable to the brain of the human species, or more specifically: the memory.
Heuristics
To be able to manage the complexity of the world, your brain searches for efficient ways to do this. Through our experiences, we form heuristics. These are methods to quickly make information available in the brain. Your brain stores this information categorically in your memory. This functions as an important basis of how you perceive things, how you think and how you behave. As a result, this process leads to minimal differences within 1 category. Let’s say you think of a table; it might be brown and rectangular, while there are truly a lot of different types of tables. Differences between categories are exaggerated and enlarged so that it’s easier to make distinctions between them. Let’s say if you think about a woman, she might look very feminine in your head, while a man might look very stereotypical masculine. Within social categories, similarities and differences will become characteristic for the entire group. You will unconsciously give an individual the same characteristics as the group it belongs to (stereotype). You retrieve information using a heuristic, hoping you can make a better or faster estimation of someone.
How does this work for people with a disability?
From a sociobiological perspective, people with a disability are judged on the things they might not be able to do as well as others. The heuristic in the brain unfairly provides information that people with a disability can be less productive or useful. Research has shown that people with a disability can also evoke heuristic signals that are related to fear-triggering themes, such as vulnerable health. This causes avoidance of people with a disability, in the same way, that people don’t like to talk about death. There are also heuristic signals that are related to childish characteristics, possibly causing people with a disability to be taken less seriously. Luckily there are also some positive signals. Research shows that there’s an increasing sense of sympathy and a more positive attitude towards people with a disability.
How do you fight this?
Looking at this form of discrimination, there’s 1 core element: a lack of conscious information. These heuristics occur unconsciously and create a form of uncertainty on how to behave. With uncertainty, there’s a need for clarity. So how do you combat this?
- Mention your strengths: people think based on a stereotypical view and only see shortcomings. By mentioning your value and strength, and by providing it as new information, you force someone to let go of their old heuristics.
- Be assertive: tell someone when they treat you unequally. This way you are clear about your preference and boundaries. You’ll give the other person a contradicting experience, making their stereotypical image change.
- Give clarity: a lot of people are insecure about how to behave. By taking away their insecurity and giving clarity on what they should or shouldn’t do, they will feel more comfortable, are keener to approach you, and won’t respond to you in a derogatory way.
It’s probably pretty tiring to realize this form of discrimination has a biological basis in humankind, and therefore only slowly changes. Remember that there are also a lot of people that are aware of this phenomenon and do see people with a disability as equal. A beautiful quote I’ve read somewhere is characterizing for that:
What distinguishes man from animal? An animal will leave the wounded behind, a man will help everyone to come along in society.
The sky is turning grey. After only a few minutes, I see thick raindrops falling on the garden tiles. I’m staring outside. In the background I can hear a mix of the rain and the song “Rollercoaster”, by Danny Vera. A wave of sadness comes over me and suddenly everything seems out of balance. I am at the threshold of adult life, fear takes over my body. I feel like I’m losing control. A voice inside of me says: “I am the one who has to take back control, otherwise everything will fall to pieces.”
Overwhelmed
Adult life is quite overwhelming from time to time. There are times where I feel like I can totally handle this and everything is going well. A lot of great things are coming my way. I’m enjoying these positive experiences, but in the back of my head I’m afraid that I’ll lose everything just as easily as it came to me. It feels like the world is falling away from under my feet, for only the slightest things. At times like these I feel small and I ask the universe why this is happening to me. This goes hand in hand with different emotions: lots of sadness, anxiety and anger. I feel paralyzed. All I can do is cry and everything hurts. It’s making me sick. The vulnerable child inside of me is coming out. I retreat to my home base, in the warm embrace of my mother.
Confrontation
After four days I notice a shift in my brain. I slowly start seeing the ligth again and I convince myself that this feeling will eventually pass. My freinds and family are there to support me. They are so angry for me and hate seeing me like this. “Your time will come”, they keep telling me. I get myself together, take a long shower and let all the weight slide off my shoulders. I tell myself: “It’s not worth letting this get you down like that. Look around you, Ghyta. Look at what you have RIGHT NOW, not at what you don’t have (yet) or could’ve had”. The more I repeat these words, the more I start to believe in them. And that is how, each day, I wake up with a little bit less pain and sorrow.
It can happen sometimes that drastic changes can bring you out of balance. Time will stand still for a little while. It will hurt, but eventually you will have the choice to wake up in the morning, thinking: today I choose to live.
Love,
Ghyta
Every month, Ghyta writes moving stories about her own personal experiences. Did you love this blog, and would you like to read more of her writing? Click here.
Each month we focus on a new theme on the NiceDay blog. In the month of July, this theme was “a new phase”. We all go through big changes during our lives, whether it’s the end of a relationship, taking on a new job or having a child. Some people love taking on new challenges, whilst others might dread it. Would you like to read more on this subject? We have listed all of our recent blogs for you:
Big changes can cause stress and anxiety. We all know that this can have a major effect on our mental wellbeing, but did you know that it can also have an effect on your skin? In this blog we discuss how that works and what you can do about it.
The corona pandemic constantly causes change, and every once in a while we find ourselves in a new phase. At first, we weren’t allowed to leave our homes, but now we’re slowly starting to find our way in our new lives. But what does this mean for physical connections? Sharlene discusses a new way of hugging: the corona hug.
In the first of two blogs, nurse specialist GGZ Daniëlle Coenjaerts, discusses the use of antidepressants. What is it exactly, how does it work and what does it mean for you if you’re planning on using them?
Anne is a psychologist and started to feel gloomy and insecure. She had been treated in the past, but started an online treatment via NiceDay during the start of the corona crisis. In this blog she explains how she’s experienced her treatment.
Change, new opportunities or challenges, new places: we often find it quite scary. But why do we dislike change this much? Why do new things make us feel anxious? NiceDay psychologist Wouter discusses it in his blog.
Evy was in the prime of her life, but suddenly had to deal with something she’d never felt before: she had a panic attack. She started her treatment at NiceDay and talks about her experience in this blog.
Each day is filled with new chances and opportunities. There is always a place for a new beginning! But how do you cease those opportunities, how do you get more out of your life? We have listed six tips that might be able to help you.
What will happen when you end your relationship? It can be a very stressful and anxious situation, also for the one who chose to break up. How do you move on after a relationship? NiceDay psychologist Sarah offers you some advice in her blog.
In the 2nd blog of Nurse Specialist GGZ Daniëlle Coenjaerts, she discusses what it means to quit antidepressants. How do you do this, what can you expect and what does it mean for you?
Corona has a huge effect on all of us and many feel like we are being forced to stand still for a while. Time standing still has caused a change in a lot of people’s lives: they have started to live more consciously. NiceDay psychologist Britt discusses it in her blog.
Change, loss, or large societal issues can sometimes be hard to process. In such a new phase, acceptance can help you handle the situation better. Read more about it in this article.
For a lot of people, new year is the start of a healthier life. But, you can choose that it is time for a new phase at any moment in your life. For example, when it comes to a more healthy and conscious life. Important is to make a habit out of healthy living. Here are a few tips that might help you with that!
The big “normal” no longer exists. There are many different ways to give substance to your life and there is no standard that you have to meet. It’s more about finding a “good match” than doing “something good.”
Humans are social animals: we are dependent of others and like to do things together. How we behave and what we say can also be influenced by the people in our direct environment. Sometimes, it even looks like others even determine who you are, how much you are worth as a person and which qualities you possess. Nowadays, we are so caught up with what others think of us, or actually what we think others think of us, that we sometimes forget who we actually are!
Three times yourself
Edward Tory Higgins is the inventor of the self discrepancy theory. This theory states that individuals compare themselves to self created standards as well as to how others might see us. Higgins states that an individual has three ‘selves’:
- The actual self: this is how you look at yourself.
- The ideal self: this is who we would like to be.
- The ought self: this is how you want to be seen by others.
Ideally, it would be nice when the actual self is exactly the same as the ideal & the ought self. Then the image of ourselves matches with who we would like to be and how we want to be perceived by others. If the actual & the ideal self differ a lot, this can lead to feelings of disappointment and sadness. Research states that clinical depressed patients have the biggest difference between the two selves. When the actual & the ought self differ a lot, this can lead to feelings of agitation, guilt, stress and even anxiety. Research states that people with social anxiety have the biggest difference between these two.
Tips for a better self image
Our dependency on others can lead to the underestimation of our actual self or to having too high expectations of our ideal & ought self. So it’s good to become aware of who we actually are and what we (can) expect of ourselves. And you can do it like this:
- Describe yourself in 3 sentences and write down your strengths, qualities and characteristics. Also write down how your mother or your best friend would describe you. Is there a difference between the two descriptions? If so, why is that?
- Keep a positive diary daily. Often, we forget all the positive things we do during the day and we tend to remember the negative. The way we look at ourselves should be determined by both!
- Do you notice you experience anxiety in situations in which you value the opinion of others a lot? You can examine if the image you hold about yourself or the way you think others look at you is actually in line with reality. Is it true you’re not nice, not good enough, not a good parent or not a good friend? Or is it the anxiety that makes you think like this? Try looking at the situation from a different perspective! What would you say to a friend when he/she has similar beliefs about himself/herself?
- Think about your own standards and expectations. Are they realistic and achievable? Would you want others to be like this? Aren’t you using words like ‘always’ or ‘never’? Aren’t you describing everything using “I have to…”? Or are you actually pretty tough on yourself? Write everything down and think for yourself if you might have to adjust your expectations a little bit.
NiceDay
Do you notice you’re not feeling well and you can be a bit negative about yourself? Or do you want to improve your awareness of who you really are? Write down these exercises in the NiceDay app in a diary registration!
Friendships are important in life. But sometimes you have a friendship which doesn’t feel nice anymore. How do you notice that a friendship doesn’t take you further? And when is is better to let go? I’d like to give you some tools to figure out if a friendship is still good for you.
Unequal relationship
Do you notice that you are often the one who asks how your friend is doing? Are you always the one who knows what is going on in his or her life, but does he or she interest in your life? This may indicate an unequal relationship. Friendship means giving and taking. When you are often the only one who gives, you can become quite unsure and sad about it.
Be you
In a friendship it is important that you can be yourself under any circumstances. It is annoying when you feel that you have to be conscious about the things you say and the way you act. Do you notice that you say certain things that you normally wouldn’t say? Do you notice that you behave differently? Or do you experiencing the feeling of wanting to be liked? If the answers on one of these questions is yes, then perhaps it is a good thing to evaluate whether you should or should not continue the friendship.
What can you do about it?
How do you evaluate a friendship and how do you know if it is worth continuing? To get answers to this hard question you can make a cost-benefit analysis. With this method you weigh the costs in relation to the benefits. What does this friendship cost you and what do you get in return? Does friendship give you energy or does it cost you energy? Create an overview for yourself.
Ending a friendship is difficult. Especially because you have put a lot of time and effort into it. But if someone makes you insecure or if he or she talks you down? Isn’t it better to protect yourself by distancing yourself from the friendship?
NiceDay app
Tip! The diary in the NiceDay app is useful to list the pros and cons of your friendship. You do not have to make this decision in one go. Keep track on your experience and evaluate the friendship over time. Choosing for yourself is difficult, but you are worth it!
If you can find happiness within yourself, you can enjoy life much more. Everyone is able to find happiness in themselves. Only most people don’t know how to do this. Happiness has nothing to do with external circumstances. You cannot control external circumstances. What you can change is the way you look at things. To feel happy you must find happiness within yourself.
What makes you happy?
You decide what makes you happy and happiness can look different for everyone. In addition, pursuing happiness all the time is impossible. Seeking happiness outside of yourself almost always leads to disappointment. Finding your dream job and meeting your dream man/ woman gives you a temporary feeling of happiness, but that feeling also disappears. Everything in life is perishable and temporary. Therefore, do not let your happiness depend on external factors, but do something about it yourself. How? Through acceptance and awareness. By accepting your external circumstances and disconnecting your emotions from it, you can really experience happiness.
Unhealthy habits standing in the way of your happiness
Sometimes certain thinking styles or habits hinder our inner happiness. Below we name a few thinking styles and habits and explain how you can adjust these to find inner happiness.
- Waiting for something to happen. “If I have my dream job / bought that house in that city/ found the love of my life / traveled half the world, then I am happy.” Do you sometimes have such thoughts? Then you probably know that ‘happiness goals’ don’t work because you can come up with a different goal after every goal. If there are always new conditions for happiness you will never be ‘really happy’. If you wait for something to happen that should make you happy, you automatically give less pleasant events the chance to make you unhappy. Life is not always a party. Up and downs are also part of it unfortunately. By taking the bumpy roads every now and then you will experience more joy and satisfaction. It is about the journey, not the destination.
- Worrying. Countless thoughts are floating in our heads. If we are dealing with something, we tend to worry. However, worrying has never solved any problems. To limit excessive worrying, scheduling a moment to worry can help. This moment is a fixed moment during the day where you allow yourself to worry about everything. Afterwards, try to accept the situation as it is. Accept and let go.
- Living in the past. You don’t have to forget your past. The choices you have made in the past made you the person you are today. Therefore, be thankful for what the past has brought you and what the future holds for you. Let it be, because it is once again all about acceptance.
Listen to yourself
Do you still have trouble experiencing happiness, despite these tips? Then listen to your feelings, intuition and needs. These will tell you which path you must take to become happy.
Acceptance and letting go sound very simple, but we probably all know it is easier said than done. Both words are connected to each other: if we have difficulty accepting certain situations or events, then we also continue to have difficulties with letting go. Patience, honesty, time, courage and compassion can help you with this process. A lot of books have been written about this topic. Here are three book recommendations that may help you to accept and let go more easily.
Things You Only See When You Take Time – Haemin Sunim
Haemin Sunim is a Korean Zen Buddhist monk who has gained popularity via Twitter and Facebook. He is a professor and teaches Buddhism and meditation. In his book he gives practical advice for finding peace and dealing with yourself and others. His book contains 17 themes in which he briefly discusses topics such as work, love, relationships and passion. Every chapter contains an affirmation which can help you deal with yourself and others in your daily life. He mainly insists on taking breaks and being mindful to really discover what our feelings tell us. You can read his book in chronological order or you can choose to read about a certain topic
Braving The Wilderness – Brené Brown
Brené Brown is the guru when it comes to experiences that give meaning to our lives. She has already written books on courage, vulnerability, love, shame, empathy and belonging. In this book she gives a new definition of what it means to really belong in a time when there are so many conflicts between different parties and population groups in our society. Brené says that belonging is something we practice every day and that requires integrity and authenticity. You can see it as a personal commitment. Her book is again a mix of research, (personal) stories and above all a lot of honesty about this subject. She especially advocates having the courage to be on your own if it means that you stay close to your true yourself.
Help me! – Marianne Power
We end the blog with a book that is all about English humor. At the same time, the reader is moved by the honesty in the book. Marianne Power tells us a personal story about her obsession with self-help books. She decides to live according the norms and values that are written in self-help books for a year. She does this because she is very dissatisfied with herself and her life. What starts as a funny experiment, ends in a serious and moving adventure. Marianne wants to answer the question “what does happiness mean?”. Can self-help books really help you achieve to have lasting happiness or does it only work in the short term? The role of self-acceptance is central in this book. By reading this book you will get a summary of a lot of self-help books, which saves you time and money!
Have fun reading!
Has it ever occurred to you that the Marie Kondo method, asking yourself the question “does this make me happy” – is applicable to more things than just material goods? It is also a useful tool when it comes to ending friendships.
Friendship versus romantic relationship
There is a chance that you have people in your inner circle with whom you once were good friends, but now don’t really have click with anymore. When the spark gradually disappears in a romantic relationship, you and your partner grow apart. This usually results in a break-up. Friendships often don’t end with a break up. The bond continues even though the friendship is not as strong as before. Before you know it you are dealing with a handful of friendships that add little or even no value to your life.
What do you find important in a friendship?
Think about what you really want and expect from your friends. Do you want a friend with whom you can party every weekend? Somebody who listen to your stories? Someone who works in the same field as you? Or has the same interests? In an ideal situation your friends possess all these qualities and more.
In practice, it is often different from the ideal world. We must not forget that our friends are also just human beings. For example, someone can be very emotionally dependent. Or naive, which makes you tired of constantly giving advice to your friends if they don’t listen to you but then still complain and whine when their life is not going well. The more time you spend with that person or people, the more energy it costs and the harder it is to be the best version of yourself.
Quality over quantity
Which friends make you happy and bring out the best of you? These friendships are worth it. For the rest, if they bring the worst out of you or you notice that these friendships cost too much energy, you’d better end the friendship. This sounds radical but in the long run you and your friend will benefit from it.
How do you end a friendship?
Start by slowly stop seeing each other and experience how it feels and works out. It could be that your friend is thinking the same way about the situation. Maybe he or she will notice that the friendship is not as it used to be. However, your friend can also ask you questions about the situation. Explain why you have the feeling that this friendship isn’t working anymore. Thank him or her for the great times you had together and explain why this is the end for you. It is important that you take your time to explain your side of the story. Do not just ghost your friend. Even though you do not owe the person a friendship, you do need to give them answers and an honest explanation.
Does it spark you joy?
Remember that it is all about your needs. If you feel it is time to let that friendship go, let it go.
